You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
