Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
