Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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