Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
