I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES