Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.