Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize