he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
