I wish life had little blips of pornography
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
