Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
