either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
