apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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