you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
