I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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