I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
