ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He had one of those small greek statue penises
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
