She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
