There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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