I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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