All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
