So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
