I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
