Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
