when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
FUCK WHALES
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
