I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
