I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
