dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She has the best kind of daddy issues
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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