maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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