I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
