i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
