at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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