I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
