is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
