I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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