I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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