you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
