3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
