I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
