I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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