True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
zippers are such a cool invention
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
