why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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