after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
