Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
