Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
