Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
