are you still at the devil's house?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
