hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
