I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Houston, we have a squirter
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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