I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
