youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
