Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
