I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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