My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
