Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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