You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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