Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
