To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
pray to the hookup gods
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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