listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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