dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
