You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A+ Viking dick
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
